


On Both Sides Of The Glass

by LauraEMoriarty



Series: His Glowing Hands [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Other, Rose Shepard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-02
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-04-07 05:56:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4251939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LauraEMoriarty/pseuds/LauraEMoriarty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Immediately following the ending of the War, Shepard struggles to make sense of everything that happened.</p><p> <i>Rose shook her head, her fingers brushing hair back out of her eyes. “What the fuck are you playing at?” she asked both of them. “Cerberus was meant to be finished, gone, when Jack Harper died. I shot him right between the eyes.”</i></p><p>
  <i>“Did you really think he wouldn’t have contingencies in place in the event he died?” Brooks sneered, and Rose’s blood ran cold with her own naivety. “Of course he did. Long-range contingencies. It’s such a shame you killed Armistan Banes. Now we only have Connie here…”</i>
</p><p>A post-Reaper war fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Joan of Arc

She said "I'm tired of the war  
I want the kind of work I had before  
A wedding dress or something white  
To wear upon my swollen appetite"  
-Leonard Cohen, Joan of Arc

***

Falling from the Citadel, Rose Shepard remembered nothing. Oblivion washed over her as they ran towards her, a stretcher hovering as they lifted her prone form onto it.

_If this is heaven, I should be meeting Garrus at the bar._ That was her first coherent thought upon waking. Blinking, Rose tried to sit up, but found she couldn't. The next thing she noticed were the intravenous tubes running cooling liquid through her body. After those first few coherent thoughts, she fell back again against her pillows, turned her head, and promptly retched.

It seemed that coming out of an anaesthetic didn't agree with her.

She felt dizzy, disoriented. Fuzzy, muddle-headed, as though she had a hangover from too much drinking.

She wasn't sure how long she'd been out, between the retching and the second waking.

She struggled to a sitting position, and discovered that there was a tube in her bladder, draining it. Another uncomfortable thing about hospitals.

Hospital. So that was where she was, not the Med Bay aboard the _SSV Normandy_ , but in some hospital, somewhere. Her eyes darted around the room as she came clear of the miasma that still lingered, the fuzzy feeling after a chemical-induced state close to death. She registered the fact that there was a warm hand clenching her own, a familiar hand that had stroked all the intimate regions of her body.

"Kaidan?"

His head shot up at the sound of her voice. She noticed belatedly that his eyes had dark circles, his stubble now turning into a bristly beard. "Rose."

"Did we win?" There was an urgent mission she remembered they were performing. A battle still to be fought, a war to win. She remembered little after Admiral David Anderson's death at the hands of the Illusive Man, the trauma still fresh in her mind.

_She doesn't remember my finding her, carrying her from the wreckage of the Citadel. She doesn't remember any of it._ A small part of Kaidan was glad for that. Glad that she would never know the fear he had felt, fear that the woman he loved was dead. He had taken a small team, assisted by the resources of the Shadow-Broker-- the Alliance was strapped flat and were busier trying to debrief their troops-- back to the rubble where the Citadel had once been.

***

"I refuse to accept that she's dead," Kaidan's arms were crossed flatly against his chest, the muscles in his jaw twitching as he fought to control his emotions. Rose couldn't be dead. As if by sheer force of his beliefs he could summon her to him in the cargo hangar of the Normandy, he saw Liara's face change for an instant.

"There might be a way..." The Asari twisted her fingers as she spoke, mentally ticking off a list that Kaidan couldn't see. "With enough money--no-- they need manpower--" Liara trailed off, pacing as she thought. "Yes. Yes!" She turned abruptly around to face Kaidan, "Glyph? Can you call in all resources not being channeled into reconstruction? We need it for the surgeries."

The VI beeped, "Yes, Doctor T'Soni," it said, and Liara smiled for the first time since the entire crew of the _Normandy_ had found Shepard's body.

They had gone back to London, back to the place where Shepard had last been seen. For the past three days, they had been digging in the rubble, hope and despair vying with one another. This was the last day Admiral Hackett would be there to assist their efforts; Kaidan was simply grateful that he didn't have to explain to Hannah Shepard that her daughter's body wouldn't be returned to her in a casket. He kept hoping that they would find Rose, that somewhere amidst the terrible wreckage and aftermath of war, she would be breathing.

"Found her! Over here!" A young, bespectacled lad from Grissom Academy waved his hands above his head. They broke into a run at those words, the flaring of hope growing stronger with each step.

When they found her, Kaidan's chest clenched tightly, heart surging at the news, not wanting to face the possibility that she no longer lived. He lifted her into his arms, careful not to jostle her as he did so. There was no telling what horrific injuries she had, not without swift medical attention. A waiting gurney stood ready to receive its precious cargo. He could hear her shallow, rattling breath, and knew she lived still. He didn't know for how long.

***

Now she woke. He hadn't left her side since they wheeled her out of the surgical theatre. It broke his heart to see they had shaved her head, that they seemed oblivious to the fact that she was someone's daughter-- someone's lover. Salarians were excellent surgeons, but lacked the empathy that humans valued so deeply. The only Salarian Kaidan liked had died on Tuchanka, ending the Genophage, and right now, Kaidan would've given the world to have had Mordin in that operating theatre.

"Breathing normal. Surgery a success. Will likely wake up soon." The surgeon had left five minutes--or hours-- ago. Kaidan had sat beside Rose for so long his butt was getting numb, but he hadn't wanted to leave in case she woke and didn't see him.

_Did we win? What the hell was that kind of question?_

Kaidan smiled, and took Rose's hand in his own. It looked so strange to him, a confused tangle of IV lines and medi-gel infusion pumps. Her other hand looked no better: covered with tiny burns that were slowly fading with the medi-gel, others that Kaidan knew no amount of surgery and skin-grafts could fix. He loved her, and in that moment, he knew that she loved him. Her grey eyes fixed on his, trying to work out what the hell to tell her.

The truth was, they had won. "Yes," he said at last. "It's over, and the galaxy is saved. " There was no amount of forced joviality that could disguise the relief that he felt that it was over. They had time now, time to do what they wanted, time to decide their personal futures.

***

Days went past in a blur, turning into weeks. The reporters were like a herd of ravenous varren, seizing each chance they had to ambush anyone coming out of the hospital, desperate for news of the conquering heroine. Kaidan learned quickly to evade them, and spent his time lurking in the hospital stairwells until he was sure they had gone.

"You know, it's getting rather wearying having to lurk like some miscreant," Kaidan smiled, kissing Rose on the lips. She leaned in and kissed him back, hungry for his touch. It had been too long. Too long to go without.

"So break me out of here. I'm feeling better than I did six weeks ago, Kaidan. In fact, I'm getting rather bored." He laughed softly at her mention of boredom. He knew only too well that feeling of being recovered enough in mind, but not in body.

"I know, Rose, but you're still recovering," he said gently, "but I promise, I'll make it up to you." He slid his hand beneath the nightshirt she wore-- she had stolen it from him, after all-- and gently cupped her breast with his hand. 

"Hmmm..." She cocked her head to one side, as though in contemplation. "I can think of ways..." 

A soft, fond chuckle. She had recovered sufficiently enough that the in-dwelling catheter had been removed-- fucking uncomfortable things--- but they still wanted her in hospital for observation, and she was sick to death of it. All she wanted was to be back on the Normandy with her friends. She wanted her own bed back, wanted to stand at the captain's post on the command deck, and head for new adventures.

***

Three days later, Rose Shepard had her wish granted. 


	2. The Old Revolution

I fought in the old revolution   
On the side of the ghost and the King.   
Of course I was very young   
And I thought that we were winning;   
I can't pretend I still feel very much like singing   
As they carry the bodies away.  
Into this furnace I ask you now to venture,   
You whom I cannot betray. 

 _\- The Old Revolution,_ Leonard Cohen

***

 

Rose dreamed of Akuze. Her entire squadron wiped out before her, the harsh desert landscape completely unforgiving. Even though she had avenged the deaths of her squad, Rose was still unable to reconcile the day in her head. She had lost too much. It seemed to be a common theme in her life: losing. It didn’t help that she’d put immense pressure on herself not to let anyone too close, that they’d eventually leave her.  The countless individuals who littered the galaxy—a mass grave of however many millions—they stood to remind her in moments of reproach that she hadn’t saved enough.

 

The self-reproach really needed to stop.

 

She had done everything she could’ve, in  those moments when the world had rested squarely on her shoulders. Rose was full of doubt, full of self-loathing, full of survivor’s guilt. It ate at her now. The guilt that she hadn’t managed to get through the Omega Relay soon enough to save more of the _Normandy_ ’s crew from the Collectors.  The guilt that she hadn’t been able to reach Thessia sooner, recovered the asari planet—her biggest regret. She hadn’t saved enough people when the Thorian had attacked—half the colony of Zhu’s Hope had perished. Those thoughts were enough to weigh heavily on anyone.

 

Sometimes, she wished she’d never joined the Alliance Navy—never set foot on Akuze. Yet she knew that if she hadn’t done so, the man who slept with his arm securely around her waist wouldn’t be there. His presence was reassuring, familiar, loving. Often she woke in the night, blood pounding in her veins. Her flashbacks were getting worse, coming frequently during the day, and there was no respite from them.

 

***

_“Thresher Maw!” A squadmate shouted, aiming his gun squarely at the beast. He had just squeezed the trigger when the beast threw back its head.  “Damn!” He shouted, ducking. The Thresher Maw spat at him, and then he was silent._

_Never to speak again. Never to breathe again. He simply laid there, eyes vacant, skin peppered by acid. More deaths would come that day. When all was said and done, she stood alone, like some Alamo survivor. Burned, trembling—she stood defiant against the beast who had slaughtered her squad._

_She knew it was a suicide mission. She wasn’t supposed to survive the Thresher Maw—they’d sent her off to die on some far-flung planet. It was Gallipoli, it was the Somme, it was Fromelles—Culloden, even. It was every horrendous battle from the last three centuries—every unsalvageable situation any army had ever been in since time immemorial._

_Still, Rose removed her helmet, took a deep breath. It was going to be fine—she would survive. Even knowing she would survive, it was still hard to reconcile the loss of fifty other people. Fifty. The number was hard to wrap her head around._

_She woke up in an unfamiliar place, and her eyes adjusted in  the dim light long enough for her to realise she was in a surgical ward of the Huerta Memorial Hospital on the Citadel. The salarian doctors spoke in hushed, but manic tones.  “Breathing normal, pupils dilated. Blood pressure 180 on 110. Too high. Too, too high.” She felt light-headed, dizzy._

_The next time she woke, she was not alone. The marine she had  started dating before being shipped out to Akuze seemed to be standing  nearby. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days—the heavy stubble and bleary eyes gave it away. “Kaidan? I didn’t expect you…”_

_Kaidan ran a hand over his stubble, and moved to grip Rose’s hand. “I came as soon as I heard.” His eyes were kind and compassionate. Rose smiled softly, her arm snaking behind his neck, and brought his head down to hers._

_“I had no idea it was a trap,” she told him, “There were several Thresher Maws, and my entire squad…”_

_For a moment, Kaidan said nothing, and then he kissed her gently. “It wasn’t your fault, Rose. You had no way of knowing.”_

_***_

Death had become a constant companion over the long years. She was still grappling with every life lost in the conflict—every death a personal insult that she could never forgive herself for. The lives of the Batarians she had ended weighed on her—sending the asteroid towards the Alpha Relay had been the _only_ choice.  The only choice that bought time. The choices she made loomed large in her post-painkiller fog—like things of evil, they taunted and haunted her waking and sleeping moments. There was no rest in her sleep, and no rest in her waking. The impossibility of every choice she had made weighed on her like the world on Atlas’s shoulders.

 

For once, Rose knew no moment where her choice could’ve been different. She sat upright, breathing hard. Careful not to wake Kaidan, who slept peacefully beside her, she slid out of bed. Walking to the small bathroom, she splashed water on her face, and stared at her reflection in the mirror above the sink.

 

The two grey eyes that looked back at her were tired. Her hair was red-gold, but there were patches of scar tissue weaving its way through the tangled mess of her scalp. Long braids of hair, once pinned back into regulation standard buns, now fell loosely to her shoulders. Her skin, once so perfect and unblemished, now bore the marks of battle, of rebirth, and dying again and again. The woman whose eyes stared back at hers were those of a survivor. They had cried a million tears, had seen sights so horrific it was a wonder she slept at all. _Her_ eyes.

 

She knew she would survive—Rose always survived—from the first moment to the last.

 

“Rose?” Kaidan’s voice broke into her thoughts. She turned, and saw the man that had stood beside her at her absolute worst. “Are you okay?” Kaidan reached for her hand, taking it in his larger one.

 

Wordlessly, Rose turned to Kaidan, and leaned into his shoulder. Then the tears finally came. Tears she had been avoiding shedding for too long. Tears for the fallen, for the people she knew and loved and could not save, no matter how damn hard she tried. Kaidan held her as she sobbed, knowing that words wouldn’t ever be sufficient.

 

When she ceased to sob, many minutes later, Rose looked up at Kaidan—and saw understanding and empathy in his face.

***

 

If there was something Rose loved, it was the feeling of water on her back. It brought her peace, it brought her a temporary respite from the aches and pains of the day. She stood under the showerhead, letting the water fall around her. Just as it stopped the pain from the prosthetics and the implants, it brought a clarity to her thoughts. The galaxy stopped needing to be saved—the galactic importance lessened. Everything was peaceful when she was in the shower. For one thing, Kaidan was there with her, his strong arms around her as they stood there together in solidarity. It was a feeling of contentment, a sure knowledge that no matter how dark things got, he would always be there for her.

 

Rose was glad for his company. Had always been glad. The world was a less frightening place. For she knew it was him who had pulled her through the horrors of Akuze, days after the Alliance had finally found her. A man as good as Kaidan came once every few centuries.  He was the Aragorn to her Arwen.

 

“Do you remember when we met, Kaidan?” Rose asked, smiling. It was the first time she had smiled in days.

 

“You bumped into me in a nightclub,” Kaidan replied, drawing Rose close to him, wanting to know he didn’t hold a ghost. In his eyes, Rose had been fading every day, and he was lost as to how to help her. It went beyond the trauma of war, beyond the horror of what they had both seen on the battlefield and were powerless to stop.

 

***

_2177: Three months before Akuze._

_The newly-promoted Operations Chief Rose Shepard took a sip of whatever alcohol her best friend and half-sister, Nellie, had bought them. They were celebrating Rose’s promotion on the Citadel, hitting the bars and nightclubs that would take them. Young, vibrant, and happy, Nellie was a pixie of a woman: short bright red hair and piercing blue eyes, hair styled impossibly high—her Irish features strikingly obvious. She tottered on heels too high, dress short and revealing her lithe form. Rose was dressed in a slightly more restrained fashion, with heels not quite as high, or dress quite as revealing, but still stunning._

_Rose and Nellie had been together their entire lives. Their mothers were best friends who had married each other. Born on the same day about ten or so minutes apart in the hospital on Arcturus Station, Rose and Nellie had been inseparable since birth. The two girls were never far away from each other, and Hannah and Dorothea both knew that if one was there—the other would be, too. The only time the girls had been separated was when Rose had joined the Alliance as a Vanguard, and Nellie had gone into the medical corps._

_Hannah and Dorothea hadn’t always intended to both be pregnant at the same time, but because neither of them could make up their minds about which of them should be the gestational mother, they had come to the most logical solution. They would both have a child. Choosing a donor had not been easy, but eventually, they picked, and nine months later, Hannah Shepard and Dorothea Nevell each held their bundle of pale orange._

_“So Rose, where to next?” Nellie grinned at her best friend, and grabbed Rose’s hand. “You only get promoted to Operations Chief once! Let’s go to the Armax Arena…” Her grin was nothing short of infectious, and Rose found herself caught up in her friend’s enthusiasm. “Or we could just stay here, and I can get hit on by gorgeous, glamourous asari!” Nellie, game as ever for an encounter with the beautiful blue-skinned women, giggled._

_“Suit yourself, babe.” Rose shrugged—Nellie was always seeing one asari or another. “I’ve got my eye on someone else.” The man who she had been covertly eyeing was currently dancing very awkwardly with a turian. He was cute—that much was clear.  The way he carried himself made Rose think he was Alliance military, just like she was. He seemed to radiate attractiveness, and Rose found herself moving towards him, unconsciously—as if magnetised._

_Suddenly, she was face to face with him. She blushed, her face going as red as her namesake. “Shit. Sorry.” She looked up at him—tall, dark and handsome. But there was something about him that seemed reassuring, like she had known him all her life._

_“No, it’s my fault,” he said, carefully checking her over for any signs of damage from his clumsiness. “I was heading to the bar, didn’t check where I was walking, and apparently, walked right into someone.” His face was kind, and Rose smiled._

_“It’s alright, I was the clumsy one.” Glancing behind him, Rose could see Nellie shaking her head and mouthing something to her that she couldn’t quite work out. She shot her sister a look, and turned back to the handsome young man. “I figure, since I was the one who bumped into you, it’s only right that I introduce myself first.” Rose gave him a warm, and hopefully winning, smile. “I’m Rose.”_

_“Well, Rose. I’m Kaidan.” Kaidan said, “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”_

***

In the weeks that followed, Rose found herself wandering the _Normandy,_ each time trying to find those who should be there. The empty cabins were silently reproaching her—she knew she had to find new crew members to replace the ones lost in battle.

 

Tali’Zorah vas Rannoch had settled back into her routine in the engine room, alongside the two former Cerberus engineers, Gabby and Kenneth, and Adams. Garrus Vakarian was still calibrating the _Normandy_ ’s guns. James Vega had left to complete his N7 training. Rose wasn’t sure if he’d return to the _Normandy_ , but that was her hope. Liara had decided to remain, and so had most of her friends. Karin Chakwas had retired immediately after Rose had returned, and no amount of persuasion could’ve convinced her to change her mind.  Specialist Traynor remained, keeping a close eye on the galaxy’s communications. Joker,  as ever, helmed the ship with a calmness that belied everything he had lost.

 

“We have an assignment for you, Shepard.” Admiral Hackett’s spectral image floated in the comms room.

 

Rose, grateful for any distraction, stood straighter as her commanding officer spoke. “Yes, sir,” she responded.

 

“There’re reports of pirates in the Terminus Systems. They call themselves Spectres, but there’s no record of them among the archives. I want you to take your crew and head to their last known location. Specialist Traynor should have received the coordinates by now.”

 

Rose felt her heart sink. So the Alliance _was_ sending her back into action. Her jaw clenched at the thought of more battle, more lives that were depending on her being saved. “Aye, sir.”

 

“You’ll be joined by some of the galaxy’s finest. They should be arriving on the _Normandy_ within the hour,” Admiral Hackett said, supressing a smile.

 

“The _Normandy_ standing by and ready to receive.” Rose felt her heart grow lighter at the thought of the galaxy’s finest. So she wouldn’t have to do this alone.

 

Within the hour, Rose heard the sound of the airlock opening, and she stood at the side, waiting. Kaidan stood next to her, holding her hand. Anxiety grappled with excitement, anticipation creating a big bundle of nervousness in the pit of her stomach.  The people who stepped onto the _Normandy_ would be friends, she hoped.

 

A small spitfire of a woman launched herself into Shepard’s arms with a broad grin. “Hey sis. Miss me?”

 

Rose’s face broke into the biggest grin as she hugged Nellie. “What the hell are you doing here, Nellie?” Rose asked, dumbfounded with joy.

 

Nellie released her sister with a grin. “Coming to see the galaxy you saved, duh. Also, this is my new assignment, given that Karin’s retired.” She glanced back towards the airlock, where Rose registered, with a slight degree of shock, the bevy of people behind Nellie.

 

There were three krogan behind Nellie. Rose’s heart leapt at the thought that three of Clan Urdnot’s greatest had come to join her once again. Grunt, Wrex and—if Rose’s suspicions were right—Bakara. Behind the krogan, there was a drell, and a few salarians. The drell surprised her. And then there  were the humans crowded behind everyone else, hanging back, as though hesitant that they’d be welcome.

 

“Commander Shepard.” Rose disengaged from her sister, and hurried to Kolyat Krios.

 

“Kolyat? What are you doing here?” Surprise definitely had her dumbfounded. The last time she had seen the young drell had been at his father’s memorial.

 

“I am settling my debt with you,” he replied, and smiled. “My father and I found one another thanks to you.”

 

“Well, if that’s what you want, Kolyat, welcome aboard.” Rose’s smile was genuine, and she stood aside to let the young drell pass her. “Your father’s cabin is vacant, you’d be more than welcome there.” Rose hadn’t changed much about her ship when she’d finally gotten her back. The _Normandy_ was her home, and the home of those who had once fought beside her.

 

“Hey Shepard, what about me?” Urdnot Wrex’s voice broke into her thoughts. “Am I chopped salarian liver?” Rose turned to face the proud clan leader, noticing new scars where there had once been none. Yet he looked hale and hearty, and peace seemed to suit the krogan.

 

“Wrex,” Rose smiled warmly, “Welcome back. Bakara, a million welcomes to you.” Rose reached for her hand, and squeezed it with warmth. “You honour me with your presence.”

 

“It is you who honours me, Commander,” Bakara said, returning Rose’s warm salutation. Grunt made sounds as if he wanted to interrupt, but Bakara shot the young krogan a look.

 

“Hey Grunt,” Rose said with an amused tone, “You trying to sire half of Tuchanka like Wrex yet?”

 

“Hasn’t found a female willing to mate with him—yet.” Wrex broke in. He guffawed, and Rose found herself feeling sad for Grunt.

 

After all that Grunt had done to save the Aralakh Company on Utukku, Rose wondered why the krogan women were reluctant to mate with the young krogan hero. Shaking her head mentally at herself, she moved forward to meet the rest of the delegation.

 

The salarians hadn’t exactly been happy when Mordin cured the Genophage. In fact, Dalatrass Linron had been outraged, sending an exceptionally irate message to Rose the day she had done so. Standing behind the salarians, Rose noticed the angular-shaped head of the last Prothean.

 

 _So Javik survived. What’s he going to do now that he has nothing to go back to?_ Rose wondered at Javik’s reappearance, but before she could voice her shock, Liara grabbed Javik, and pulled him away. “What?” Rose asked. It was the only thing she could say.

 

“We have unfinished business, Commander,” Javik replied, his voice as old and ancient as the man himself. “We will talk some other time. Dr T’Soni requires my assistance.” Rose stood there, feeling as though she had been slapped with a biotic charge, and struggled to understand why Javik was back aboard the _Normandy_. She had been so sure, given the last conversation that she’d had with him, that he was going back to the place where his squadron had fallen in the last Reaper War.

 

Nevertheless, she was happy that there were people aboard the _Normandy_ that she could trust with her life. The small group of humans that crowded the airlock now stepped forward. Some of them, Rose recognised instantly, the tall and imposing figure of Jacob Taylor, now cradling a bundle of cloth in his arms, his wife beside him. Rose was glad that Jacob had found peace, and that Brynn seemed good for him. Their little girl seemed healthy, from what tiny glimpse Rose had at the small bundle.

 

It seemed like everyone she had ever saved—or served with—had come. In the midst of the joyous reunions, Rose looked for Kaidan. She found him, and moving to him, took his hand. “I’m glad you’re here,” she whispered to him, kissing his cheek. “I couldn’t do this without you.”

 

Introductions made, Rose was glad when she finally retired to her cabin that night. It seemed Steven Hackett had thought of _everyone_. It was like one massive party—a party she wanted more than ever to join in on, but felt she couldn’t.

 

A growing sense of dread, like what she had experienced prior to launching a suicide mission, gnawed at her. _If they’re sending everyone, it means something big is going down. Something’s not quite right…_

She poured herself a glass of whisky, and downed it, letting the burn of the spirit fortify her for the moment. Kaidan, emerging from the bathroom with a towel draped around his waist, saw the wince. “Hey. It’s all right,” he told her, wrapping her in a warm hug that seemed to shield her from the worst of her demons. “We’re not assaulting Cronos Station tonight, or launching through the Omega Relay.” His voice was warm, assuring. Rose leaned back against her man, and sighed.

 

He was right, but still—Rose felt cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks go to Kimmy for beta-reading, and to the MEFW group on facebook for all their patience as I ask idiotic questions that the wiki can't answer. You guys all rock! <3


	3. Dance Me To The End Of Love

Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on  
Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long  
We're both of us beneath our love, we're both of us above  
Dance me to the end of love  
Dance me to the end of love

 

\-- Leonard Cohen, _Dance Me To The End of Love_

_***_

For once, Rose found herself not worrying about the five hundred and fifty billion lives that depended on her.  Relaxing was something that she didn’t allow herself to do that often, because she hadn’t had _time_ to relax. There had always been one more planet to save, one more battle to fight, relaxation becoming  so low in her priorities list that it had vanished right off it. Today was an exceptionally good day, she realised, glancing down at the soft white fabric that covered her arms. The sleeves ended at the wrist, tight and buttoned, hiding the scars that she had accumulated over years and years of heavy combat.

 

It wasn’t that she wasn’t proud of the scars, it just seemed inappropriate to showcase them on this beautiful spring morning. The trees outside the apartment on the Citadel were heavy with blossom, a scent of hope in the air. They had been threatening to blossom for the past two days, and now, with the joyousness of spring and new beginnings, they had finally blossomed into a canopy thick with colours and scents. Light flooded in through the massive windows, bathing everything in a rosy glow. Rose picked up the tiny nosegay and pinned it to her veil, taking care that she didn’t undo all the work the girls had done. They were her closest friends, and Rose cherished them all. She turned to face them, and smiled beatifically, taking the next bunch of flowers Nellie handed her.

 

The women in her bridal party were close friends—good friends. They had stuck by her through the worst of times, and the best. They were as diverse, and each woman who was in her bridal party had been selected because they had served with her during two horrendous experiences, the first being the trip through the Omega Relay, the second during the Reaper War. They had been her friends for so long now that Rose had forgotten the exact length of their friendships—combined as they were. There were Asari matriarchs amongst those Rose counted as friends, and admirals of the Quarian liveships. There were humans, too, amongst those in her bridal party—Miranda, Jack, Nellie, just to name a few.

 

***

Rose’s hens night had been fun. The Silversun Strip was a great place for a night out with the girls. They’d hit the Armax Arena at Jack’s insistence, and, within hours of getting there, Rose, Jack, Liara, Samantha, Nellie, Miranda, Tali and Samara had beaten Aria and Bray’s top scores. That had been fun. Next they had gone bar-hopping, getting completely plastered and eventually thrown out of every bar on the Citadel.

 

“I’m Commander Shepard, the first human spectre,” Rose insisted at one point, “You can’t just throw me out!”

 

“I can, and I will,” the Krogan bouncer also insisted, “I don’t care who you are.”

 

Rose crossed her arms, twitching as though she had a bad case of the chills. “You mean to say that the saviour of the bloody galaxy is being thrown out?” She pointed to her left boob, where the badge flashed _bride to be_ on it. The Krogan bouncer looked nonplussed, and snorted.

 

“You’re still not welcome. Get out of here before I call C-Sec.” The Krogan waved his hand threateningly.

 

“Urdnot Wrex and Urdnot Bakara are great friends of mine!” Rose insisted, hoping that the Krogan bouncer wasn’t from a rival clan. “How would they react if they heard that the person responsible for the Genophage being cured was being thrown out of a bar?”

 

“I don’t care. Hey Smash,” the bouncer waved over another Krogan bouncer, “Get these pyjaks out of here.”

 

Again, Rose’s arm twitched with the urge to throw the bouncer in the air using her biotics. Nellie and Samantha, this time, grabbed both arms and physically restrained her. “That’s it! I’m calling C-Sec!” The aptly-named Smash grabbed Rose, and threw her out—and Rose was sure she felt her arm break as Smash roughly manhandled them out of the bar.

 

Rose hissed in pain as she stood up, unsteady on her feet. “We’ll go somewhere else, where the bouncers are more reasonable,” she declared, swaying from side to side. It felt like the world was spinning around as though she was in the skycar, racing to keep up with Tela Vasir. She could still hear Liara’s admonitions that it was a skycar, not a shuttle.

 

 _“It’s a taxi, it has a fare meter.”_ The words were clear as day.

 

Still, Rose was sure the Krogans had thrown her out because she was human—not because she was drunk. Stupid racist Krogans. Like they didn’t have her to thank for curing the Genophage. This was the thanks she got.

 

“I was responsible for curing the Genophage!” Rose shouted at the Krogan, “That was me! And Urdnot Wrex made me an honorary Krogan in thanks. ”

 

“I. Don’t. Care.” The Krogan was really, really starting to piss Rose off. She didn’t seem to be getting through to the Krogan, and her hand twitched, reaching for the non-existent gun, ready to shoot him if she had to. Rose realised in that moment that she didn’t have a gun on her.

 

“Rose, no!” A horrified Nellie knew exactly what her sister was thinking, and grabbed her hands. “No.”

 

Her friends converged on Rose, and grabbed her before she could do anything stupid—like punching a Krogan bouncer. Frog marching Commander Shepard, hero of the citadel, conqueror of the collectors made the girls giggle. Rose was giggling too, as they collapsed onto a large bench. Rose slapped some medigel on her arm, hoping it wasn’t actually broken, and looked around at her friends.

 

“I love you guys,” she said warmly. Then she winced in pain as her arm moved in a way that it shouldn’t have. The medigel seemed to be working slowly.  Too slowly, for her liking. “Ouch. My arm.”

 

Nellie immediately activated her omnitool’s medical scanner, and took a quick snapshot of the offending limb. It was a bad break, the humerus completely shattered. “You need more than medigel, sis,” she told Rose, examining it further with a gentle hand. “It’s shattered. You need to go to the hospital.”

 

“Why?” Rose asked pitifully, “Why hospital when you’re the best damn surgeon in the navy? Can’t you just fix it? I’m really sure they’re sick of me at Huerta.” She gave Nellie a pitiful, pathetic look, as though someone had just told her that her hamster was dead.

 

“Do I have to get Mum and Dot involved?” Nellie fixed her sister with a look. “Nana’s just gotten home from being debriefed, and Dede’s just exhausted from the war you were winning.” She looked more like Rose than she ever had at that moment—the same stubborn look in the eyes and the mouth that was just a tiny bit too wide to be considered attractive. Their mouths were set in the same shape, each of them biting their lips and raising an eyebrow. They stared at one another, daring the other to blink. Goading, even.

 

“No. Hospital.” Rose bit out through clenched teeth. “You’re the best surgeon I know after Mordin.”

 

“Shepard, please.” Samara’s voice broke in, “Listen to your sister.” Rose and Nellie broke their stares to look at the Asari matriarch. “Do you want your arm to be in a sling for your wedding day?”

 

“Fine.” The stubborn, obstinate tone in her voice meant she was only doing this grudgingly. She supposed it could’ve been worse—like when the Collectors had spaced her on the old _Normandy._ Rose didn’t like to think about that. Pushed it to the furthest recesses of her mind. “But only if you do the medigel stuff.”

 

“Alright.” Nellie couldn’t keep the smarmy swarm of pride that burst up inside her out of her voice. For once, her stupid, stubborn, reckless, annoying, and a whole lot of other adjectives sister had actually listened to her. “Let’s get a skycar, then.”

 

They made their way to the taxi stand, Nellie and Samantha supporting Rose between them. Rose  wasn’t an easy patient at the best of times, and drunk Rose was something of a nightmare, always jumping from one topic to the other to the point where she sounded as manic as a Salarian. The drunken rambling and constant squirming forced Liara to put Rose in a stasis hold, if only to contain her. That, at least, had the effect of making the ride to the hospital so much easier.

 

“I don’t need a doctor, or scans,” Rose said stubbornly, about thirty minutes later as they waited to be triaged. “There’s heaps of people worse off than me. I feel fine.”

 

“Commander Shepard? The doctor will see you now.” An Asari medic wearing the familiar form-fitting scrubs with the hospital logo on them called out to Rose.

 

Rose glanced at her sister with a wounded look. Somehow, every bit of shore leave she ever got ended with those words.

 

***

The small chapel was crowded. The two crews of the Normandy, both Cerberus and Alliance sat in pews surrounded on all sides by stained glass windows.  Outside, the media stood in attendance, vying for the best position to get shots when the chapel finally opened its doors to reveal the newlyweds.

 

Inside, the altar was decorated simply, driftwood candelabrum with lit candles—stained glass glowing softly behind it. It was a small, old chapel, that had seen so many weddings and funerals in its life. The wedding it bore witness to now was one that had seemed an impossibility three years ago. Rose had died, and this chapel had been where they had held her memorial, and like some Messianic figure, she had died and returned from death. It was a chapel that was as old as the Citadel itself—reaching back aeons, having seen so many cultures and races born and die. It was a chapel that over time had transformed itself, turning into whatever the current cycle’s cultures demanded it to be. Even the Keepers weren’t quite sure how that happened, Asari historians and archaeologists had never been able to pinpoint its exact age or origins.

 

It truly was beautiful today. Not only the outside, but the inside, too. White garlands sat on the edges of the altar, on the ends of the rows of pews. A few men and women sat in the front row, and all eyes turned as the strains of the processional song signalled the arrival of the bride. The women, wearing long peach coloured dresses with floral headdresses stepped forwards. A diverse group of women, from Tali’Zorah vas Normandy to Nellie Nevell and Jack, some looking more out of place than others in their human garb, they had been chosen to escort their friend and sometime commanding officer down the aisle on this beautiful spring morning.

 

Then Rose came, wearing a long dress that flared at the waist into a ball-gown, with sleeves and a beautiful and unusual strawberry pattern embossed into the fabric. It was soft and made Rose feel like she was the most beautiful woman in all the galaxy. Her hair was pinned up behind her veil, and her bouquet was made from an old romance novel.

 

When she reached Kaidan, finally, she smiled up at him. “It’s finally here,” she whispered to him as he gently brushed her veil back, and kissed her cheek.

 

The ceremony itself was brief, the simple exchange of vows, the assurances of love and fidelity ad infinitum, the signing of the registry. In the twenty second century, not much had changed when it came to the paperwork—the dull and humdrum bureaucracy still existed.  Unlike Salarians, who only exchanged breeding contracts, Rose was glad that romance still had its place.

 

She could remember the proposal.

 

***

 

_Ten months ago, before Rannoch._

 

The soft illumination from the data pads flung carelessly on the table was enough light for Rose to see her way through the dark—stumbling and tripping over her combat boots to the steps, and then up them to the bathroom. She had woken from another nightmare about Akuze. It seemed like Akuze and the horrors of Akuze were never far from her mind—she was tired of the war, tired of being held hostage to her past. Rose stood in front of the mirror and didn’t recognise the woman standing there. She saw the tired eyes, the permanent shadows underneath them—she could never sleep for long without the nightmares claiming her. Five, ten minutes, sometimes twenty or thirty. But a full night’s sleep was impossible.

 

Rose turned the tap for the shower and shed her clothes, standing under the water, letting it cascade down her back. She stood there like that, just letting the water wash over her. When the water grew cold, she reached for the towel  and wrapped it around her. It had helped, but only just.  She hated that she could never find peace, that it was a constant struggle to keep herself from letting the darkness overshadow everything—even the happiest moments were tinged with sadness.

 

She wished she could believe that she was fighting for the good in the world that was worth fighting for. Rose wished that the war would end, wished she could run away and become a hermit on an uninhabited planet, far, far away from everything and everyone—a hermit living with just her memories. It would be easier to cope with life then. She wanted to live like Yoda, or Obi-Wan Kenobi, a devotee of an ancient and powerful order, cut off from the turmoil of the galaxy. Yet her mind kept pushing a different way of being a hermit: her brain always had Kaidan by her side in these wishes of running away. He was the reason she had kept fighting, kept trying to make the galaxy better. Her breathing slowed down, as she realised she was _safe_. Safe from the demons that lurked in her mind, at least for the time being.

 

She went back to bed, back to the warmth of Kaidan’s embrace. When she woke the second time, she turned to him, and smiled. “I love you,” she said.

 

It was a rare day that they were both free to do whatever they pleased. They flew to the Citadel, and wound up at a favourite café. It was a small café that they had discovered in the early years of their relationship. Zakera Ward had a vast selection of them, and this place was like an opal: its beauty hidden until the light flashed and showed beautiful colours. Kaidan was excited—he had something special planned for her.

 

When they settled down on the couch in The Rattling Bog Café, with glasses of sparkling water in front of them, Kaidan kissed Rose.

 

“I have something for you,” he said, coughing to disguise his nervousness. They had discussed marriage, and it was all but official that they would get married, but Kaidan wanted to do this the proper way. The simple rose gold ring with the teardrop shaped pearl sat in his pocket. He drew it out, and took her hand. “Rose Elinor Shepard, will you marry me?” he asked.

 

“Yes.” Rose kissed him. It was all that needed saying.

 

***

 

 _“Dance me to the children who are asking to be born,”_ the wedding singer crooned, as Rose and Kaidan twirled on the dance floor, oblivious and happily so, to the rest of the world. “ _Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn…”_ It was a song they both loved. Old though it was, it spoke to them in a way few new songs did.

 

The wedding reception passed by in a blur—morphing from the first dance, through to speeches and cake cutting, to the finale where Rose tossed her bouquet, and Kaidan tossed Rose’s garter. To their surprise, Nellie and James were the recipients of both. Then they were off in the skycar, empty ammo crates tied to the back with the words _just married_ painted with a Krogan sensibility.

 

For once, Rose felt happy and peaceful. She leaned her head on Kaidan’s shoulder as they were taxied to the apartment.

 

It was their first night together as man and wife, and both were excited. No sooner had they gotten in the door than Rose’s dress came off, and the veil with the fifteen thousand hairpins. Their clothes were strewn in all directions, and they made love that night.

 

When they woke the next morning, Rose turned to her husband, and kissed him. She felt happy and optimistic for the first time in a long time. She was content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks go to Kimmy for her beta-reading and general cheerleading.
> 
> Thanks also to the fantastic Mass Effect Fanfiction Writers group on facebook for putting up with incessant questions from me and your patience in answering and cheering me on (Vorcha_girl in particular, thank you SO much.) I love each and every one of you.
> 
> Also, thanks to everyone who has read the first two chapters, and taken the time to comment. The comments mean the world to me. <3
> 
> For those curious about the song, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEVow6kr5nI


	4. Story of Isaac

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to [europolarist](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Europolarist/) for being a great beta reader, and to everyone else who has left feedback on this! It makes my day to hear everyone's thoughts on it. :D

You who stand above them now,   
Your hatchets blunt and bloody,   
You were not there before,   
When I lay upon a mountain   
And my father's hand was trembling   
With the beauty of the word. 

\- _Story of Isaac,_ Leonard Cohen

***

“Steve!” Rose rushed to the side of her shuttle pilot, who was bleeding badly.

 

“Let’s get some medi-gel, guys!”  She ducked into cover as the pirates opened fire, returning fire, and watching as they fell. Dragging Steve by his arm, Rose felt a chill run down her spine. She glanced up, not daring to look at Steve’s injuries, knowing they were severe. How many more deaths would be on her hands? Slapping an application of medi-gel on the worst of Cortez’s injuries, Rose hoped it would be enough to stabilise him—at least until the return shuttle arrived.

 

“Stay here, Steve. We’ll be out of here soon enough.”

 

“Rose, I just want to say…” Cortez began, but Rose cut him off with a look that brokered no further talking.

 

“You’re not going to die, not on my watch. Save your goodbyes for later, okay?” Rose said firmly, trying to convince both Steve and herself. She wasn’t sure who she was trying to convince. Probably herself.

 

Rose fired a volley, ejected her thermal clip, and reloaded. It seemed the pirates weren’t going down without a fight—or going gentle into that goodnight. Rose wanted to make sure the pirates weren’t going to harm anyone, or anything other than themselves. Squeezing the trigger on her favourite shotgun, Rose fired once, then twice, then a third time for good measure. The pirates fell back, and Rose launched a biotic charge towards them, hitting three of them square in the chest.

 

They were too organised for regular pirates. Rose suspected these pirates had at least some knowledge of combat, working as one group. It reminded her of when she and Liara had fought the previous Shadow Broker’s troops, except Liara _wasn’t_ giving the pirates helpful combat tips.

 

Across the way, Urdnot Bakara aimed and fired at the pirates, and Rose saw Wrex and Grunt standing shoulder to shoulder like the comrades they were. Rose, reloading her gun, saw Wrex charge, the full fury and might of the Krogan like thunder. She saw Liara send a biotic blast, taking down another pirate, and Garrus sniping from above, hit another pirate. Rose activated her omnitool, sent a quick distress message to Nellie, and then jumped headlong into the battle once more.

 

“Hey Wrex!” Rose shouted above the din of battle, “Do these guys look familiar or what?”

 

The Krogan clan chieftain charged an enemy as he heard Rose’s shout.

 

“They look like the pyjaks we fought in the Citadel Archives!” His voice boomed over the gunfire, as they continued their relentless assault.

 

They definitely _looked_ like the pyjaks they’d fought, Rose thought bitterly, aiming her gun again and firing on a sniper. The sniper fell, with little fanfare.

 

So much death and destruction. Wasn’t the war over? Why the fuck were there still battles to be fought, when the galaxy ought to be celebrating. The question plagued all those who Rose had spoken to on the subject. Surely the mercenaries knew the war was over, that the threat of the reapers was ended. It reminded Rose of something she had once learned in N7 training: peace treaties took time to finalise, to make sure the signatories were either satisfied or penned in by the restrictions.

 

She ducked into cover, and raised her shotgun once more, firing it. She reached for her other favourite gun—the one from Sur’Kesh that the Salarians had designed. Firing it, she watched as the sticky bombs caused absolute chaos and dismay in the enemy’s ranks. Rose smiled grimly, glad for the panic. In the heat of a battle, anything could cause such chaos, and Rose was the architect of that chaos. As a vanguard, she knew the value in disabling and causing chaos, fighting on the frontline.  She charged valiantly, and knocked the mercenary in front of her off his feet, then finished him with a headshot. The blowback was disgusting, but she was long since immune to the nastiness of battle.

 

Rose wondered whether, in her past life, she had been a berserker. They were known for displaying an ancient primal rage that flowed and took over in the heat of battle, immune to pain and injury, numb to anything except the feel of battle.

 

Moving towards Kaidan, Rose used her biotics to throw a sniper into the air and fired rapidly at him. There were many snipers, many enemies in general. They just seemed to keep coming, an endless supply of willing victims. How stupid. Her shields took a battering, her vision blurring from the blood and the pain, and she charged once more. If this was to be the end, she wanted it to be glorious and bloody. Strange, how often her thoughts turned to glory and bloodshed—as though the two words shared a symbiotic relationship. Perhaps in another cycle, she would’ve been a Krogan male.

 

When the battle was over, Rose felt the rage die down. It both terrified and thrilled her in equal measure. The harnessing of that rage was potent, it allowed absolutely no doubt in her mind. It was kill, or be killed. Few things came as close to that harnessing of rage as when she had survived Akuze—it’d been the biggest reason she’d made it out alive.

 

***

 

“I just checked in with Steve—he’s fine, it’s just a minor injury that bled a lot.”  There was relief in Rose’s voice as she sat down next to Kaidan. “And before you ask, mine was just a scratch.”

 

Rose opened the bottle of whiskey that sat on the table in front of them, and poured two drinks. Rose took one sip and handed the other glass to Kaidan, snuggling up next to him. He wrapped an arm around Rose’s shoulders, and she sighed contentedly.

 

They found peace where they could, in the middle of a battle, standing back to back, in the quiet of the evening, nestled together on the sofa, and her favourite, sleeping.  It was the quiet moments Rose cherished the most—the moments where the other’s company was enough, without words, companionably ignoring the other as they sat together. Rose took a sip of whiskey and reached for her personal data pad, and opened the novel she was rereading for the umpteenth time.

 

Rose had read the _Anne of Green Gables_ series so many times that she could quote  great sections of it. She returned over and over to Prince Edward Island during the times when she had faced great uncertainty, knowing that Anne Shirley and Gilbert Blythe got their happy ending, their happily ever after. It brought her great comfort to know that love could lift up the unhappiness and replace it with a shining mirror. It had helped her get through Akuze, get through almost all the awful times.

 

It hadn’t helped her when Admiral Anderson died, but that was natural—she knew she was still coming to terms with her grief over David’s death. He had been more than just her commanding officer, more than just her friend. He had been her father, and she his daughter.  There were many types of fathers, Rose knew, more than just the biological father, more than just the stepfather. Anderson had been neither biological or step, but he had been one all the same. He had been her mentor, her commanding officer, her friend, and she had loved him dearly. He had taught her everything she knew about honour in battle, even if honour in battle meant nothing in an all-out war against the Reapers.

 

Rose knew what sort of dad Kaidan would be, if they ever decided to have children. She had seen him with his students—unobtrusively observing them, and knew he would be a patient, loving and kind father.

 

Rose put her tablet down, and reached for her whiskey. She looked up at Kaidan, and smiled. “I love you,” she said softly, nestling back into the space she fitted so well. “I don’t think I say it often enough.”

 

“I love you too, Rose.” Kaidan replied, pressing a kiss to the side of her head.

 

Their honeymoon a few weeks ago had been cut short—Admiral Hackett had requested them back in the field, to face the threat of the yet-unknown terrorist group out in the Terminus Systems. They’d had five brief days. Five beautiful, romantic, and completely wrapped up in one another days where they weren’t soldiers and comrades in arms, but husband and wife. Their honeymoon had been over too soon.

 

Rannoch had been beautiful. The deep reds of the cliffs, the rough and rugged stone that stretched out to the sky had reminded them both of outback Australia. Rose had been fortunate enough to visit Earth, growing up in space though she had—her mothers had taken both her and Nellie to Earth many times while they had grown up. Hannah always maintained that both girls should know where they’d come from, grounding them emotionally in the involvement of humanity’s home planet.

 

 

***

The first time she’d visited Australia, Rose had been fifteen. Outback Australia was hot and arid, but Rose loved the red soil earth and the colours of the opals down in the mines out at Lightning Ridge. They had been down the mines in a hand-cranked bucket, and seen the raw edges of the mines. Their guide was a bitter man, who had seemingly lost out on whatever opal remained, complaining that everyone else had found their million and sometimes billion credit opal and he was bereft.

 

From Lightning Ridge, they had travelled south to Broken Hill, so named for the Barrier Range that an explorer had seen. It too, was a harsh and barren, yet beautiful landscape. They had gone right out to the edge of where it was possible to live, and they had both enjoyed the old world feeling it evoked in them. They had seen sites like the Dig Tree, where explorers Burke and Wills had perished. Hannah and Dorothea were both Australian, and wanted their daughters to understand their heritage.

 

The girls had found the bushranger history of Australia fascinating. Bushrangers were the closest thing to being the Robin Hoods of Australian history. Rose and Nellie spent many hours digging in the dirt beneath a massive tree at least five metres in diameter, having been told that some of the bushrangers had hidden their gold and treasure underground. It’d been frustrating, not finding any of the so-called riches buried in the dirt—but she and Nellie had had an absolute blast.

 

 Rose and her family spent three months touring the country, on long-service leave from the Alliance. They had seen Uluru, Sydney and the Australian War Memorial down in Canberra. The War Memorial had added the Australian members of the Alliance who had fought and died in the First Contact War, and Rose had been astonished to find another Shepard—her grandmother—on the honour wall.

 

“Nana?” Rose called to Hannah, “Did your mum fight? I know you did.”

 

Hannah Shepard looked sharply at her daughter.  “Yes and no,” she replied, her voice strangely choked. Hannah’s mother had died three months after the start of the First Contact War. “Your grandmother was involved, but never got further than Arcturus Station. She died two weeks after you and Nellie turned three. A stray bullet from one of our own.”

 

 

***

In the wake of the raids on the Terminus Systems, Specialist Traynor had been hard at work trying to extrapolate what data she could from the dead Terminus pirates. She frowned as she looked at the uniforms they wore—she was sure she had seen them somewhere before , but where, she didn’t know. Turning to Liara, Samantha looked at the Asari, working away at deciphering the mystery of the pirate’s uniforms. It didn’t seem possible, but the evidence was confronting, and Samantha was reluctant to speak, trying to wrap her head around what she was seeing, and couldn’t.

 

Or wouldn’t.

 

It just didn’t seem _possible_ that Cerberus was still alive and kicking, especially when they had cut off the head of the snake. But no, all other probabilities and possibilities had been eliminated. Samantha had read _Sherlock Holmes_ over and over, and now she was faced with a similarly improbable and impossible truth.

 

The Illusive Man was alive.


	5. Last Year's Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has read and commented on OBS. I love each and every one of you. <3
> 
> Thanks go to both Europolarist for her superb beta reading skills, and MizDirected for being so wonderful, and cheering me on!

 

I met a lady, she was playing with her soldiers in the dark  
Oh one by one she had to tell them  
That her name was Joan of Arc.  
I was in that army, yes I stayed a little while;  
I want to thank you, Joan of Arc,  
For treating me so well.

\- _Last Year’s Man,_ Leonard Cohen

***

 

“So what do we actually know?” Samantha’s mouth tightened as the Shadow Broker spoke. She knew Liara’s tones well enough by now that she could tell when Liara was being her usual loveable self, and when she was being the hard and calculating Shadow Broker. Samantha loved her for it, loved how Liara could simply switch it on and off, and how well they worked together. She considered the galaxy an empty place without Liara around, and Samantha felt that the illustrious, talented Doctor T’Soni could never feel the same for her.

 

“We know that somehow Rose didn’t manage to kill him, but not much else,” Liara turned to Samantha.

 

“I would hate to disturb her sleep with this. She’s been working too hard, and we need more time and evidence before we bring this to her.” Her eyes lingered on Samantha’s a bit too long, admiring just how beautiful Specialist Traynor was. They had worked together for so long it was only natural that there should be a fondness between them, spending hours cooped up in Liara’s cabin working tirelessly to win the Reaper War.  

 

“You’re right. But I’m not sure it’s the _same_ Illusive Man,” Samantha said, frowning.  “We’ve got the data from Shepard’s hardsuit from that day. She _did_ kill him.”

 

“Or at least, she shot him.” Liara’s voice was grim. “We _have_ to tell her.”

 

 

 

***

 

Waking suddenly from a deep sleep, Rose bolted upright in her bed. It wasn’t Akuze this time that she woke from, that barren and arid desert where her squad had been slaughtered, but leaving Earth behind, having no choice but to leave her son's lifeless body lying where he fell. Hugh's death had been her fault; if he hadn't been visiting her, she was certain he would still live now.

 

“Rose?” Kaidan’s sleepy voice came from her left side, and she turned over.

 

“I’m fine. Just the same nightmare. Go back to sleep.” She gave Kaidan a warm smile, and tried to listen to her own advice. With a glance at the clock, Rose registered that the sleep cycle wasn’t over for another four hours. She slumped back down onto her pillows, and closed her eyes, reciting her family tree as far back as she could remember, but sleep refused to return—her brain felt like it had too, too many thoughts flowing through it for her to sleep.  

 

Rose hated how her brain refused to shut up—it often did that when she woke in the night, insomnia and dark circles under her eyes paid a testament to that. Sometimes, she wondered about inconsequential, innocuous things like changing her hamster’s litter box, like revisiting the favourite chapter in a book she was reading. Often, her mind drifted to the decisions she made in the heat of battle, wondering if she had done the right thing. Gunfire, fire, blood, people dying, those things featured more often in her dreams, as she was tired of battle, heartsick and heart weary.

 

The battle on the pirate ship several days before had brought back memories she had thought best left unremembered. The die-hard nature of the pirates, of almost losing her ship to an impostor, of all the things best unsolved.

 

Deciding to give up on sleep, Rose moved carefully out of bed, trying not to disturb her husband. She rolled her shoulders, stretching as she walked naked to the bathroom, and waited for the door to slide open with the tiniest of mechanical whirrs. Walking in, she headed to the shower.

 

When the shower heated, she stepped in, letting the water wash over her. She found herself calming down. The water had always been soothing to her, something about either the pressure or the steam seemed to calm her brain.

 

She lost track of how long she’d spent in the shower when Kaidan’s legs came into view. “Another bad dream?” He asked her, coming to sit beside her in the shower stall, where Rose sat, knees drawn up to her chest.

 

“Yes,” she replied, leaning her head on his shoulder.

 

Kaidan wrapped his arms around her shoulders, and drew her close. “Want to tell me about it?”

 

Rose shook her head. “It’s okay. It wasn’t about the Reaper War, for once. Thanks, though.”  There were some things she didn’t want to admit to herself, until she was absolutely certain they were going to happen for real. They’d been disappointed many times now, and Rose wasn’t sure that this time wouldn’t result in heartache again. She wanted to be sure that this time her body wouldn’t disappoint her.

 

They sat there in the shower for a while, saying nothing, just letting the water wash over them.

 

“Shepard?” The spell was broken when they heard Specialist Traynor’s voice over the intercom.

 

Rose startled. “I’m busy right now, Traynor,” she said, and sighed as she leaned back into Kaidan’s embrace.

 

“You need to see this, Rose”

 

This time it was Liara who spoke, and Rose, knowing that the two of them wouldn’t interrupt unless it was urgent, groaned.

 

“Help me up, please?” Kaidan stood, and took Rose’s hands. He pulled her up, kissed her, and then smiled.

 

“We never seem to get more than five minutes alone, do we?” Kaidan said with a sigh, handing her a towel. He watched as Rose dried herself off, pulled her wet hair into a messy bun, and left the bathroom, naked. Kaidan followed.

 

Rose dressed, feeling highly irritated. _This had bloody better be worth it,_ she thought, pulling on her boots. _They’ve conveniently forgotten that not everyone works through the sleep cycle and I’m tired, and late._

 

“EDI, can you please let Traynor and Liara know we’re on our way?” Rose asked the AI, and heard the AI clearly speak over the comm system.

 

 

Irritation vied with concern as Rose waited for Kaidan to follow her into the elevator.  They wouldn’t have interrupted if it wasn’t urgent and she knew it had to be, if both Samantha and Liara were calling her up to the Bridge.

 

“This better be massive,” she told them sternly as she exited the elevator and strode towards the two women.

 

Liara and Samantha glanced nervously at one another. This was the way they had thought she’d respond, right down to the stern voice and the flashing, angry blue-grey eyes.

 

“We wouldn’t have woken you if it wasn’t,” Samantha said calmly, standing aside as Rose charged past them towards the seat.

 

“Oh no, I didn’t mind being woken up,” the sarcasm was heavy. “Especially considering I’ve only had fifteen minutes of sleep.”

 

Liara twisted her fingers nervously.

 

Kaidan watched the Shadow Broker with intense dislike. “Get on with it,” he said brusquely.

 

“Very well.” Liara seemed to have reached some decision she had been trying to make. “We’ve extracted the data from your hardsuit, and found something very, very interesting.”

 

“Liara.” There was a warning note in Rose’s voice. All Rose wanted in this moment was coffee, preferably with vanilla syrup—or bed. “I’ve been woken up, so I’d appreciate if you skipped the preamble.”

 

“The Illusive Man is alive and kicking,” Samantha cut across Liara, cutting to the chase. “But it’s not him. Cerberus seems to have a new leader.”

 

Rose’s eyes widened in surprise. This was definitely not what she had expected. “What?”

 

“I said, The Illusive Man is alive.” Samantha repeated, slowly this time, letting it sink in. “Or at least, someone _claiming_ to be the Illusive Man.”

 

“No. I killed him.” Rose started backing away, hoping that this was some horrible dream, some nightmare she’d awake from.

 

“He was definitely dead when I shot him. I didn’t miss—he was shot point-blank in the head with a shotgun.” It was the first time she had ever spoken about what happened in the Citadel after reaching the beam.

 

“Your hardsuit data confirms that, Shepard,” EDI’s cool voice spoke. “It seems that this Illusive Man is an impostor.”

 

Rose floundered for words. “I…I…”

 

Just then, a flash from the other side of the War Room made them all startle. “Shepard!” Wrex’s voice bellowed from the CIC. “We’ve got inbound ships!”

 

“Fuck! Joker, are you seeing them?” Rose’s brain suddenly left all thoughts of the Illusive Man behind as she activated her Omnitool to link in with the shipwide Comms system.

 

“We’re under attack from unknowns! I repeat, we are under attack. All hands to battle stations, NOW!” She bellowed the last word, and looked quickly to Kaidan. There was no time to think, no time to process the revelation of the Illusive Man.

 

“This is Vakarian. The Thanix Cannon is primed. Shepard, what the hell is going on?” Garrus’s voice came from the main battery.

 

“I don’t know, Garrus. I intend to find out, though.” Her voice took on a grim tone, as she moved to get her armour and guns.

 

What was going on? One moment they were talking, and now battle had broken out. Rose had barely any time to think, only to act. Rose hurried to the hatch where she saw the raiders board her ship. She only had her biotics and they sang as they came to life in nanoseconds, flaring around her as she tossed several boarding party members into the air, and heard them fall with sickening crunches.

 

She felt she watched in slow motion as the bullets whizzed overhead, spraying the CIC with pulses. Javik, she noticed, was faster than anyone else, and Rose was grateful that the Prothean was on their side. She’d hate to be his enemy.

 

Rose felt panic overtaking her as she reached the elevator. She pawed frantically at the door to the elevator, willing it to hurry up. It seemed to be taking forever. Kaidan was right behind her as they rode down to the shuttle bay, grabbed guns and Steve, and together the three of them headed back up towards where the enemy seemed to have suddenly doubled in number.

 

She lost count of how many bullets flew through the air, how many heat sinks she used, how many topical applications of medigel—she lost track of everything in the music of battle. Armed now with their best weapons, Rose heard the booming of the Thanix cannon as it fired at the vessel that now pulled away from the airlock. Too little, too late. The sizeable boarding party were still coming at her, and she moved quickly, firing again and again, blinded by rage and fury. How dare they board her ship! How dare they tear up her CIC. “Wrex, we need you!” Rose called through the smoke filled room, and heard the sound of krogan footsteps somewhere behind her.

 

“We’re here, Shepard!” Bakara’s voice, not Wrex’s. “Wrex is busy punching some pyjak who shot Joker!”

 

“What?” Rose felt a growing dread as she stormed through the CIC towards the cockpit.

 

“Joker!” She tried to control the panic in her voice.

 

“I’m alive, Shepard!” Joker’s voice came through the comms system in her helmet. “What our scary krogan forgot to mention was that the bastard shot me in the arm.”

 

Rose tried to laugh. “Are you okay? Do you need?” The question died in her throat as she saw Joker’s profile clearly through the smoke. She saw him standing, holding a gun in his hands, pointing it at some mercenary who Wrex had in a choke-hold.

 

“I’m fine, Shepard. Get these bastards the hell off our ship, and I’ll be better.” Rose nodded at Joker’s words, and turned to leave.

 

In the fighting and confusion, Rose could no longer see her husband. She fought her way back through the scrum, firing on the mercenaries. From behind her, she heard the sound of a krogan breaking the neck of something, and a grim gash of a smile appeared. This wasn’t the time for her to lose herself to the music of battle.

 

It sang the siren’s song to her, her biotics buzzed loudly on her skin, the blue aura illuminating her hands. It was the song of battle and death, the song she had danced to for as long as she could remember.  The temptation to give in grew even steadier as she fought her way back to the bridge. No, she needed to keep a clear head, give orders, do whatever it took to get the cunts off her ship. In the haste to reach Joker and check on him, Rose lost track of Kaidan’s movements.

 

On the other side of the bridge, Rose thought she could see him. Through the haze of smoke and smashed chairs, Rose caught only the most fleeting glimpses of Kaidan. She felt the energy on the bridge change, and registered the change was Kaidan’s biotics joining in the battle song with hers.  The boarding party, she saw, through the haze and smoke, seemed to be losing the battle. She didn’t stop moving, she didn’t stop shooting, as she made her way to join Kaidan.

 

Liara had several pirates in a stasis hold, Rose saw as she hurried past the powerful biotic. She saw Javik with his particle rifle, the strange Prothean beams making short work of those who were idiotic enough to come near him. Their unique battle music drew her in, and she found herself wanting to be swept away in theirs, wanting more than ever to lose control over her tightly-disciplined rage. She ran past them, sprinting towards the tech labs.

 

Rose fired again and again, emptying heat sinks into the assailants unlucky enough to get in her way. She dashed back after she swept the tech labs and war room, glad to see her crew had dispatched the bastards attacking her ship. She rushed the pirate who seemed to have been taken by surprise, and shot him, her face bloodied by the battle.

 

She coughed as a smoke grenade exploded before her, and winced as the smoke burned through her lungs.  “Kaidan?” She called, gasping for breath as she tried to clear her eyes, trying to get rid of whatever the hell was in the air. “KAIDAN!”

 

She could see him as she gravitated towards his unique battle music, an accompaniment to her own. Where hers was all bagpipes and whistles, his was the sound of battle drums beating to their own terrible tune. The two of them worked together to take down a pair of centurions. Then, suddenly blinded, she felt—rather than saw—Kaidan move, and then his music was gone, as if someone had suddenly flicked a switch and his song stopped. Blind panic now racing through her, Rose tried to contain herself, to contain the fear that rose in her at the prospect of having lost him.

 

Still blinded from the smoke grenade, Rose dropped to her knees, crawling along the floor towards Kaidan’s prone body. Now she fought back her fear, fought back the alarm at seeing him lying there, undefended. She lost track of the battle, lost track of everything as she threw her body over her husband’s. Rose wouldn’t lose Kaidan, _couldn’t_ lose Kaidan. Not now, not ever. How long she laid there, she couldn’t tell. She lost track of time, of everything, falling into sorrow so strong and deep that she wanted to die with Kaidan.

 

She heard the sound of heavy boots, and the music of another biotic nearby. It was a familiar music, a strong and angry beating of cymbals and drums. She felt, rather than saw, the raw power of Jack as she suddenly materialised at the side of whoever the other person was. Rose heard a rage-filled voice shouting across the CIC.

 

“I will destroy you!” Jack yelled, and Rose once again felt the presence of the other strong biotic.

 

Two strong arms came to lift her up, and carry her. “Lola, it’s okay. He’s alive.”

 

James Vega was back. Rose’s brain processed that information faster than she had the firefight. “What’re you doing here, Vega?” she asked him, through the haze that came and went.

 

“Apparently, saving everyone’s asses. Esteban met me in the shuttle bay, and we were just in time.” James’s voice sounded distant as he readjusted her in one arm, and Rose saw Kaidan on his other shoulder.

 

“Med bay,” Rose gasped. She hoped that the med bay had remained unscathed. She had a fleeting moment where she felt cramping low down in her abdomen, and kept quiet. Now wasn’t the time to be worrying about miscarrying—her husband was dangling from James’s back, and he looked like he had when EDI’s robot body damaged him on Mars. She would never forget how terrified she had been that day, and the fear that she could lose him made her chest feel tight, her breathing erratic.

 

James rode the elevator with Rose and Kaidan, down to the med bay where Doc Nevell waited for them. “I can walk, James.” Rose told him as the elevator door opened. She felt him release his hold on her, and she saw black spots swimming before her eyes. She slumped.

 

When she came to, she found herself lying in the med bay on a gurney. Concerned faces swam before her eyes, and a warm hand held hers.

 

“Welcome back to the living world, Rose,” Nellie said. “You’ve been out for about three hours.”

 

She struggled to a sitting position, and found her eyes focusing again. Rose saw Kaidan shirtless on the bed opposite hers, but he was miraculously unhurt.  “Kaidan?” She saw him turn, and felt him come to her side.

 

“It was just a mild concussion. I’m fine,” he assured Rose, and planted a kiss on her forehead.

 

“I was so scared you were gone,” she said, and then dropped her voice, so that only he could hear the next words. “I didn’t think you’d be around to see our child grow.” She took Kaidan’s hand and gently drew it down to the swell that was only barely discernible.

 

“Wow.” She could hear the quiet joy in his voice, and she felt his lips on the top of her head.

 

“Those pajendos were Cerberus.” James’s voice spoke, and broke the spell. “I thought we’d wiped enough of them out while we were fighting that big war.”

 

“So did I, James,” Rose said, her exhaustion getting the better of her. All she wanted to do was sleep.

 

“The Illusive Man’s dead. Who the fuck is running Cerberus now?” James’s voice matched the fury Rose found bubbling up inside her.

 

Her omni-tool pinged, and she brought up the display for everyone to see the incoming video. A familiar voice from a shadowy room spoke.

 

“Hello, Shepard.”

 

Chills ran down Rose’s spine at the words. Her brain refused to process what her eyes saw and her ears heard. In the shadows, behind the man, she saw the dark shape of a woman—one she had shot in the back--standing behind him. Rose recognised the silhouette and a small scream escaped her mouth.

 

“It’s you!”


	6. Hallelujah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise so much for the delay in this chapter. I know it's been nearly a year, and I can't really find an excuse.
> 
> While writing this chapter, the great Leonard Cohen died at the age of 82. This fic is a tribute to how much his work has influenced so many of his fans, and the music world in general. I feel that using his work in such a way is a tribute to him.

**On Both Sides of the Glass**

**Chapter Six**

***

You say I took the name in vain

I don't even know the name

But if I did, well really, what's it to you?

There's a blaze of light

In every word

It doesn't matter which you heard

The holy or the broken Hallelujah

 

 _\--Hallelujah,_ Leonard Cohen

***

 

 

“Yes, Shepard. It’s me,” Conrad Verner spoke, and the words chilled Rose.

 

Sitting in the med bay on the cold metal table, Rose’s whole body ached, and her head throbbed. The panic she felt earlier, the adrenaline that rushed through her—the feeling of not knowing if Kaidan was alive—it all came back to her. Now this… ally—no, that wasn’t the word Rose would use—person, someone she thought of as harmless—revealing himself as someone else. No, it was all too much. Too, too much. Rose remembered something she read long ago.

 

 _The greatest trick the devil played was convincing the world he didn’t exist._ She now understood what that quote was about. Conrad had deftly played that card to his advantage _. Bravo, Conrad._

 

“You can’t be!” Rose shot back, trying to muster her thoughts. _No, something’s wrong. Someone has to be pulling the strings.._

 

“Why is that, exactly?” Brooks’ voice, seemingly disembodied, now also filled the med-bay. “Why couldn’t the harmless one, the one nobody notices, be the new Illusive Man?”

 

“I would’ve known,” Rose said, savage fury in her voice. She turned her attention to the unseen Brooks. “How the fuck are you walking? That bullet in your back should’ve put you in a wheelchair.”

“Cerberus fixed me. Made me better than before. Not as perfectly as they did you, but they gave me new legs and a new spine,” Brooks sneered, now standing beside Conrad, her arm draped around his shoulder. “You were the pet project, but you went off-script.”

 

“Well, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t.” Rose pointed out, acerbically. “I remember Miranda’s guilt about wanting to put a control chip in my head. You couldn’t cope with the _real_ Shepard. You just had to go use my clone, and we all know how well that turned out.”

 

Rose shook her head, her fingers brushing hair back out of her eyes. “What the fuck are you playing at?” she asked both of them. “Cerberus was meant to be finished, gone, when Jack Harper died. I shot him right between the eyes.”

 

“Did you really think he wouldn’t have contingencies in place in the event he died?” Brooks sneered, and Rose’s blood ran cold with her own naivety. “Of course he did. Long-range contingencies. It’s _such_ a shame you killed Armistan Banes. Now we only have Connie here…”

 

“Wait, what?” Rose fought to keep incredulity out of her voice. She wasn’t quite sure which of the two revelations was more shocking: Conrad Verner as the Illusive Man, or Brooks’ assertion that two of them were already dead, and by her hand.

 

 _There’s something you’re missing, Rosie_ , she told herself. _This can’t be right. Look deeper_.

 

“Yes, you heard her right, Shepard.” Conrad said, and her attention snapped back to him.

 

“Why? How?” Rose tried to keep calm, to not let the rising panic overwhelm her.

 

“I’m not about to reveal my grand plan, cause that would be a cliché,” Conrad responded.

 

Rose rolled her eyes. “Alright Conrad. What do you want?”

 

“The _Normandy SR-2_. I poured trillions into the construction of her. By rights, she’s mine.” Conrad said. “Jack spent the money on you, while I spent the money on her. She was meant to be my ship.”

Rose snorted, disbelief flooding her.  “Over my dead—oh wait—no, not over my dead body. Over yours. I’m not giving her back to you.” She tried to force the note of casual incredulity into her voice. “She belongs to the Alliance.”

 

“I beg to differ. But anyway, that’s enough talk.” Conrad said, and the holographic interface went dark.

 

Rose turned to Kaidan, and then looked at Nellie and James. She pushed herself off the examination table, and sighed heavily. “I don’t know about you, but I think we need to speak to Hackett—in person.” Tiredness threatened to overwhelm her. The last thing she wanted to do was talk to Steven Hackett—but she had promised to keep him appraised of the rogue organisation. She dialled in the QEC code, and Hackett’s visage now popped up in the med-bay from her omnitool.

 

“What is it, Shepard?” Hackett asked.

 

Rose looked at Hackett, _really looked_ at him, and saw how much he had aged since the Reaper War began. His cheeks were hollow, but his eyes were the same: clear and bright as ever. More lines around his eyes and mouth, the deep scars standing out somehow brighter than before.

 

“I need a face to face. Are you in a position to come to the _Normandy_ , or should I come to you?” Rose asked. “I have information regarding Cerberus—seems they’re still kicking.”

 

“Come to me. I’m not far from your current location,” Hackett said, and Rose heard the familiar ping of her omnitool’s navdata app processing the information.

 

“We’ll be there soon. Shepard out.” Rose smiled, and cut the transmission.

 

She reached out for Kaidan’s hand and took it. He squeezed it, and Rose knew that whatever happened, he would be there for her.  Looking at the group around her, she struggled to process what had just transpired. Silence settled, each in their own thoughts.

 

“So, Conrad Verner,” Nellie spoke up in the silence, breaking it like putting a boot through an iced-over water trough. “I always thought there was something _off_ about him.” Rose looked blankly at Nellie before her sister clarified.

 

“Had a few dealings with him during the war, working in the refugee camps,” Nellie said. “Preaching about how if Cerberus was good enough for Shepard, everyone should join.”   A wry smile crossed her face, and Rose watched her sister’s expression carefully.

 

“Idiot. I think I should’ve been more wary of him the first time he approached me on the Citadel. It seemed so… _odd_ ,” Rose said, frowning. “The way he came up to me was weird—as if I were some kind of deity to him, and not just Rose Shepard. He seemed to think I was something more than human.”

 

Nellie laughed. “You _are_ a deity to a lot of people. Not to me, though. You’ll always be my stubborn sister. The one who used to lob frozen peas at Donnel Udina at dinner when we were twelve.”

 

Rose laughed. “Small wonder he hated me when he was pushing to be Earth Councillor. He probably kept imagining me as that twelve year old.”  

 

Years of Hannah and Dorothea extending invitations to Udina for holiday dinners had left Rose with a distinct and mutual dislike of Donnel Udina. Both her mothers would feel sorry for Donnell, invite him over to whatever research vessel they were stationed on, and then lunch would be served. It wasn’t just Udina that came, though—Hannah would invite nearly all the Alliance’s top brass, those who weren’t able to celebrate with their families were welcome at the feast.  There would be the inevitable game of canasta, which Rose found deathly boring.

 

“You used to cheat at canasta—I’m sure he remembers that more than peas being lobbed at him,” Nellie reminded her, laughing softly.

 

“I _hated_ canasta. It was the most tedious card game ever invented—and that’s saying a lot,” Rose retorted, resisting the urge to stick her tongue out at her sister.

 

“Shepard, we are approaching Admiral Hackett’s coordinates,” EDI chose that moment to pipe up.

 

Rose made a face at the AI, and sighed. “Best get cleaned up.”

 

A few minutes later, Rose stepped out of the elevator, straightened her uniform and headed for the armoury. She grabbed the STG pistol, shoving it into a concealed holster. _Be ready for anything_ , she thought, making her way to the shuttle. Beside her, Kaidan stifled a laugh, and Rose turned to face him.

 

“I see you’re ready as ever to fight,” he said fondly, and Rose squeezed his hand in silent thanks. “Even when going to see Hackett.”

 

“I might as well. You never know,” Rose quipped back, a wry smile crossing her face.

 

The shuttle ride gave Rose a few moments to gather her thoughts. She wished she didn’t have to do this, wished she could simply go back to bed. But, no. She’d been rudely awakened that morning by Sam and Liara, then there’d been the firefight in the CIC, and _now_ she headed to a meeting with Admiral Hackett. Seemed like there would be no moment of downtime for her—there’d never be any downtime for her.

 

Not for the first time, the thought of leaving occurred to her. Could she walk away from all this? Was she truly ready to live the life of a civilian after seeing so much suffering and pain and death? Had she only now reached the point of no return in her life, where all other options lead to further bloodshed and death, no matter how much she desired peace? Rose leaned her head against the cool metal of the shuttle, and closed her eyes. Her hands found her belly, and she caressed the gentle swell—but she was scared—scared of what bringing a life into the great uncertainty of her current life would mean. Kaidan clasped her hand, and he, too, Rose suddenly knew, was just as scared as she was.

 

They had lost their son the day the Reapers hit Earth. In the way that war and death did not discriminate, so their boy, Hugh, had died. Rose had refused to think about it, put it out of her mind as she dealt with curing the Genophage, making nice with turians, salarians, and krogans. Only in the dark hours of the night had she thought about how sudden his death was; how, if he had been in the Okanagan Valley in British Columbia instead of at Alliance Headquarters in Vancouver visiting her, he would still be alive.  

 

She had been the good soldier too long. The terrible toll of all the deaths, and her son’s had been the first of many in the Reaper’s wake. Rose thought long and hard on all things while the _Normandy_ sped towards Hackett’s location.

 

“I wish Hugh had seen the end of the war, and not the start,” Rose whispered to Kaidan.  The terrible feeling of guilt and misery washed over her, and Kaidan squeezed her hand.

 

“So do I,” Kaidan whispered back. “There wasn’t even a body. But the baby will know about Hugh.”

 

It made Rose smile to think of their new baby knowing about the older brother they’d never get to meet. She looked down at her belly, and then back to Kaidan. There were so many things this child wouldn’t know, so many secrets that couldn’t be spoken for the pain of telling them. But she knew how poisonous secrets were—how dreadful the elephant in the room could be. Their child would know of their brother, and all the stories of him.

 

“Approaching the _SSV Somme_ ,” Cortez announced as he guided the shuttle towards the airlock of one of the oldest vessels still in use.

 

Rose knew the _SSV Somme_ like the back of her hand. As a child, she had grown up for a brief time on this particular vessel. She and Nellie had explored each and every inch of the ship, finding all the best hiding places for hide and seek. It brought a smile to her lips as she remembered the tiny crawl space that had been designed for stowage, not small girls. The large metal doors loomed large as Cortez opened the shuttle, and they filed out, walking through the airlock, towards Admiral Hackett’s quarters.

 

Amused by her memories of the _Somme_ , Rose looked around the ship, and smiled. Not much had changed in the nineteen years since she’d lived there. The exposed metal beams, the perpetually flickering lighting in the lower decks all served to remind Rose of the time that this had been her home. The nights spent exploring every nook and cranny on the ship with Nellie were some of her favourite memories of the place.

 

Mentally, she rehearsed what she would say to Hackett when she saw him. There were things she needed to do, things she couldn’t let go of, even though her life called her away from the Alliance. Her yearning to leave the Alliance battled against her desire to obliterate each and every trace of Cerberus from the galaxy. She knew her final mission would be one of bloodshed and even more death. Rose sighed, squared her shoulders and checked that her hair was still in its bun before her hands found the wheeled door. She waved her omnitool, and the door swung open inwards, admitting her and Kaidan to the room. Standing to attention like the soldier she was, Rose waited for Hackett to acknowledge both of them.

 

“At ease, Shepard, Alenko,” Hackett said as he greeted their salutes with one of his own.

 

“Sir,” Rose began, and Hackett held up his hand.

 

“I think we’re well past _sir,_ Rose,” Hackett said, using her first name for what Rose felt like the first time in centuries.

 

“Very well, Steven,” Rose smiled back at him. She took a deep breath, held it for a count of five, and then began speaking.

 

“We have news regarding the rogue group calling themselves Spectres. Turns out it’s Cerberus, and they’re up to no good. The Illusive Man.” Rose said, deciding to cut quickly to the crux of the matter.

 

Hackett’s brows drew together in consternation. “You killed the Illusive Man on the Citadel,” he said, “Your hardsuit data says that.”

 

“I killed Jack Harper,” Rose clarified. “Turns out, like the multi-headed canine they were named for, there’s more than one of ‘em. Remember Armistan Banes and how we thought he was a Cerberus spy? He was one of the Illusive Men, too.”

 

“You mean?” Hackett said, clearly confused. “Then who’s the third, who’s leading Cerberus now?”

 

“You won’t believe me in a million years, but apparently, my biggest fan,” Rose didn’t bother to clarify further. Hackett needed a moment to work through the bombshell Rose had dropped in his lap, after all. It still shocked her to think that Conrad Verner could be capable of such duplicity—he had always been so… harmless.

 

 _Like they used to say, it’s the quiet ones to watch for_ , she thought. There was a quote she half-remembered about the rose and the thorn, but right now, it eluded her.

 

“Conrad Verner?” Hackett sounded confused. “ _He’s_ the new Illusive Man?”

 

Rose nodded. “Confused the fuck outta me, too, Steven,” she said, dropping all pretences of formality. “Didn’t think for a second he could be anyone, y’know, powerful.”

 

Hackett sighed. “Is he big-noting himself like he did before, claiming to be you?”

 

Rose shook her head. “Nah. I saved the call to my omnitool. Want to hear it?” She brought up the display, fingers working quickly as she brought up the conversation. Hackett nodded, and Rose replayed the call.

 

“I’ve had dealings with him in the past, too. In the temporary civilian housing on the Citadel. Kept preaching about how great Cerberus was, day in, day out after the failed coup,” Nellie added. “It started about a week later.”

 

“I see,” Hackett said, nodding as Rose, Kaidan, and Nellie laid their evidence out.

 

Rose watched Hackett’s face carefully for any sign of what he might be thinking.

 

“One thing, Steven,” Rose said, “If you’re thinking of ordering me to be the head of the spear, I’m gonna have to decline. Can’t risk it anymore.”

 

Hackett’s brows drew together. “Oh? Why not?”

 

“I’m pregnant. Life of my kid comes first and all that.” Rose stated. “Can’t really afford another miscarriage.”

 

“Well. I _was_ thinking your krogan-like tendencies would be useful here. Suppose we could always try something new. Your new orders, Admiral Shepard, are to take down Cerberus, by any means possible. Pick your team, and we’ll formalise everything later.” Hackett said.

 

“Very well, sir.” Rose saluted him. “My team is already on the _Normandy_.”

 

 “Oh, and Admiral? Bring the bastards to justice.”

 

With that, Rose turned and walked slowly away, nodding as she did so. “Of course.”


End file.
